Updated on the year 2015. We are still alive.

Well not much going on here. School work and sleep is all i do now. I wish i could do more.

Plus i have turned 20.  I'm still not use to that idea. I cant  get old yet.

This year has been interesting so far. in January my girlfriend of two years was asked to go on a double date by one of her girlfriends. i was fine with it until i found out i was not going to be the guy she was going with. i asked her not to go  but she convinced me that is was just to support her friend. turns out her friend was hoping that the other guy and my girlfriend would connect and be more than friends. I no longer like that girl. after that date my girlfriend is more involved in her phone that ever. smiling and laughing at the other guys messages and snap chats. i seemed to be fading from her mind as she talked about him more and seemed to interact with me less. she would message him late into the night and wanted to hangout with him on the only days we had time for just her and I. she started to ask if it was ok if she could stay at his house late into the night and come home after midnight. of course i said no to this. i then got a little bit suspicious after i saw her send hearts and kisses to him over text. i went through her phone that night and saw that she liked him and wanted to end it with me. she was calling him her crush, as i was just an idiot on whisper. the messages between him and her bashed me around a few times as well as seeing her call him cute and sending him hearts alot.
ive never felt so broken.

we are still together, but i cant help but carry the thought around that i was not good enough for her at one point.

I have never thought i would be struggling so much just to be on my own. Just trying to go to college and i cant keep up with my bills. i never have enough money for personal use, fixing my car, food or even to have a social life. i live with my girlfriend and her parents and there is barely any food in the house, yet her parents can afford the bill for multiple smart phones, brand new desktop computers, lots of beer and a new car.  I just really don't like how everything keeps turning out for me. i keep getting hammered with bills from accounts that should have been ended over a year ago. thus making me broke with pretty much $20 for a couple weeks.

I just want to travel the world and live my dream life. clearly it wont happen anytime soon

Cheers

When everyone around you is winning day after day.

And your losing day after day.

But you still keep your chin up, hoping something will go right for once.

Back Again...I Guess

Well I haven't been on here in quite a while. Two years I believe. I guess I am here to vent then.

Well here is my life right now

So I am in college soon to end my first semester and hopefully get to start my second semester. However I have very little money and these past few weeks, well haven't been very good. It seems that every time I have something going good it gets ruined. For example; I just started to have all my bills slow down (by slow down i mean less a month)  and today my mom messaged me saying a debt collector was trying to get a hold of me. Turns out when i was in Ohio I had gotten WiFi for my dorm. When I left I had asked them to turn off my account. I guess it never did and this past year they have charged me for wifi for the entire year resulting in a $300 payment. Joy. just another lesson learned I guess.

Second I have been trying to find a second job due to the fact i now only work part time. I now only make about $600 a month. Not enough to pay for my school bills and my car all together. It seems that every place I apply too is promising for the first three weeks saying they will find a way to get me hours to fit my schedule. so far they have all disappointed me, either by simply not getting back to me ( after 6 weeks of going there in person) or saying my schedule is too busy for me to add anything else to it.  So when did other people decide how much it too much work for me? Its my choice is it not? So far I have applied to countless places, gotten many interviews and so far I have still not gotten a  second job. Its Christmas time and I don't have any money to get my family presents.

Third. I feel invisible to the world, unwanted. I have yet to make any good friends that will hang out with me after school instead of just the classroom. Even my own family members don't reply to my messages while they are online. it usually takes them a day or two to respond.  My current girlfriend dose not seem to care much about us even though she says she does, (Due to an argument with my parents I moved out and am now living with her). we share a room together and when we first moved in she said she wanted it to be our room. well needless to say its mostly her room with my dresser being the only indication I'm there. She didn't want me to put the thing I wanted in the room due to the fact that they were childish. So I packed everything up except for clothes and important paperwork and put everything else in storage. She dosen't seem to respect my "thoughts", or "wishes".  Ill ask her to do something  important for me that I cant do due to being in class all the time (phone call at a certain time, important items to drop off ect) and she will choose not to do them until either I did it or it was convince for her. Or i ask her to wait for me to do something but she does it anyway. I gust got a PlayStation 4 for myself ( I got Walmart credit to make monthly payments on it because A. I didn't think I had credit at the time and wanted credit, and B. I didn't have all $400 for it.) So i asked her to wait for me to open it because I wanted to be the first to use it ( I did buy it with my own money after all and still am paying for it). I also wanted to set up myself an account first so I could do all of the set up. Instead i came home from school to see that she had already opened it up, made an account for the both of us with the profile name as "sbsmiling" and everything already set up taking all the fun of it out for me. Now I got the PlayStation for mainly me and I want her to play games with me too, But she decided to give it to the entire family. And knowing her dad and how much he has to be the one to own everything, I pretty much got screwed out of the ps4 that i just got 2 days ago. Again. no respect for me and my wishes. that is my main point here.

Well I'm pretty sure that anyone (if anyone) reading this probably stopped after the first few sentences and probably has not bothered reading to the end. So im done for the night.

Until next time

P.S. I am  walking contradiction, i was wearing 4 layers indoors, complaining I was cold and eating ice-cream at the same time. Currently that is my logic.

What once was

I never talk much. I want to but I don't. I have closed up to others, to the outside world. Sure I talk to people with the use of a keyboard. But its not my voice. I am always afraid of saying something wrong and scaring the people that matter the most to me away. Actually that did happen. To someone I was once proud to call my sister. To another who I am still in love with even throughout everything that has happened between us. I've tried to talk to others but I find that no one really cares to listen.

I sit here alone remembering what i had at one point with hopes of restarting the fire that once was my life.

Leave it be or change it?
Build it up or tear it down?
Run away or face it?

If the truth has been forbidden, then we are breaking all the rules.

summer 2013

Well already a month of summer has gone by and its going by pretty fast. I went to Michigan for the Ford AAA competition, then went to Ohio to look at a couple colleges. I got home to start my new job the next week, went to a graduation party that lasted until 3 in the morning with everyone sitting in a graveyard  talking about the reality of graduating. Other than that I've been just hanging around.

Its a weird feeling knowing that your not going to see any one from your class on a daily basis anymore. no more causing trouble in the halls during break. No more teasing underclassmen, no more fun classes that usually encouraged some students to try something stupid (especially in science class, i once caused the classroom to lose power).  There is so much i'm going to miss and a lot i'm already missing. There are people i know i will miss that i met while in school and moments i wish i could relive. I just wish it wasn't ending so soon.

Im Not Ok

My smile is the biggest lie i tell. my smile says that i am happy, that i am ok  well its a lie. in not ok and have not been since the beginning of summer. i cant remember truly laughing at anything without faking it. its like i get put down anytime and every time i try to show my feelings. no one seems to care enough to asks me how i am felling and if im alright. maybe then my smile would be the truth. maybe then i wouldn't be so messed up.

life

my life has really gone askew this year. during the summer i complained that my parents didn't give me any attention. all i wanted was for them to spend more time with me doing things i like, like going to car shows or car meets. instead of that the way there spending time with me is telling me what i cant have and how little money i have. my dad even said to me tonight; "i know we are not spending attention like you thought we would"... yea you guys are not. you think i want to listen to you guys for an hour telling me how im not making enough money, how i cant go get a door for my car, how im not making a lot of money like my older brother.  well im sorry that the economy went down the drain. its not my fault that jobs are hard to find and im sorry i cant fix it. so until i fix the economy, accept me for who i am and how im doing in life. accept the fact i want to go to a 4 year college instead of telling me how freaking expensive it is, accept the fact that i want to restore old cars instead of saying that it would be a bad career choice because no one is looking for older cars to drive.

stop putting me down. if you want to know why i get so "depressed" and angry all the time now, listen to what you say to me. then you will know.

I don't ask for thing to happen. They just happen.

***Rest easy Cody.

its all pretend

i pretend i act as though i never get hurt by anyone. People will ask if im ok when they know im not, but i put a smile on anyways and say that i am. i stuff the hurt and pain down inside. left there for a while until it explodes like a volcano. all of the pain in one big mess. i try to be strong through even the toughest of times, but im not always successful. im a human being just like everyone else. i get hurt just like everyone else, i just hurt more than the average person. i try surrounding myself with things that cheer me up, but it never last for long. one thing that would keep me happy, is sharing my life with someone. someone who i can comfortably do anything and go anywhere with.

sincerely
the lonely

:(

the fight never ends

the fight for freedom, justice, equality, peace,love.

it never ends does it?

Running Scared.

I ran.

I saw you there in his car at the stop sign.

I pulled up next to his car to talk to you.

You looked at me, recognized me and said "hey".

I said hi, he looked at me funny, i went the opposite direction as fast as i could.

I don't know what happened.

Maybe its because i haven't seen you in months.

Maybe its because he was there with you.

Maybe seeing you made me remember of everything we planned for the summer, then was thrown away.

Maybe i couldn't have said anything to you without sounding stupid.

Maybe i was scared of him.

Maybe.......

All i know is that i saw you, you smiled at me, then i was running as fast as i could to get away.

You meant a lot to me, then everything fell apart.

Maybe.

I Am Me

I don't care what you think. I don't care if i'm not tall enough, I don't care if i'm not cool enough for you.

I don't care if my parents think i'm not good enough for anything.

they say i should be buff, smart, athletic, bigger taller ect.

I DON'T CARE! JUST LET ME BE ME!

so what if i'm not what you want, either move on or accept me for who i am.

What Happened?

Where did you go? What happened to you? Where is the you that was always excited to talk to me? The one who would play multiple words with friends with me while on Skype? Where is the girl that always made sure i played Sims social? Where is the you that left me multiple messages on my phone, I pod or chat when i would be gone for 5 minutes? Where is the girl that i use to know?

I miss talking to you and  Skyping with you, the texts and the few times we hung out. Your the first girl i have truly felt comfortable with, we were real close and now we are strangers. i don't know what i did or said, or if its because of the other guy, but what ever it is i wish it could all go back to the you i could always share a laugh with.

No matter what mood i was in you could always make me smile. I don't want to lose you.

Sincerely, someone who really cares about you.

Distant

No texts, no friends, no smile, no me. Just.....distance. Being distant from everything and everyone.
I feel like a nobody. I don't get any respect from family members, i'm looked at as a joke, my parents don't have confidence in me getting a job.

Apparently i'm different from who i was a few months ago. I guess i was funny, always smiled, always had a good aura around me.  Now i don't smile, i don't talk to anyone, i don't hang out with anyone, i'm depressed, no zest for life, the good in me is gone, for how long i don't know.

I've realized just how alone i am right now, how I've just been that kid that everyone uses for what they need, then gets thrown away like a piece of trash. Sure i can deal with the verbal abuses people give me, but its the physical abuse that is the hardest to take.

I keep all of my feelings to myself, i keep them out of sight, out of mind. Everyday they bottle up, and their ready to burst apart like a volcano. I don't know what to do with them, and i don't have anyone to trust them with.

When someone else has a problem, i can help them easily. I just don't know how to fix my problems.

to be honest i don't know what to say, well i guess ill just say whats on my mind,


why is it that i have to be alone? what did i do to have people hate me? why did God pick me to lead a life of loneliness and pain?

i cant go one day in school without kids abusing me in some way, i use to have someone to talk to, but now another guy has her attention, and i'm all alone again.

why is it that i cant get anyone to like me? i try to be nice to people, but every time i try to do something nice i get pushed aside, or if i say hi to someone, i usually get a, shut the **** up.

i have been told that the reason people pick on me is because they are jealous. why are they jealous? what do i have that they don't have? they have money, nicer cars or multiple cars, they have friends and jobs. i don't have anything.

i am all alone now. i don't have any friends, no one really cares about me.

to be honest i don't get why people say they care about me, and at the same time they say they hate me just because I'm me.  

i wish i could have a normal life

Hello

well its been a pretty good week. lots of sun and semi warm days.
finally got a new radio and speakers for my car.
been doing some biking again. its nice to get out and just ride around with no destination to go to.
learned that taking left hand turns at intersections in the city are suicidal.
not all Wendys workers are happy.
someone stalked me in a store, and my aunt and i couldnt stop laughing in the car about it.
FINALLY getting my strength back. i can now lift a tire up.
and my brother is drinking 20 year old coke.

hmm i kinda wonder if anyone still reads these. usually i go on blogger to read someone elses posts. she always has posts that are meaningful and entertaining. she also has something called a tumbler which i read every day to. all in all its just something that completes my day, reading something she wrote. this amazing blogger is Annebeaulieu95.