Im Not Ok

My smile is the biggest lie i tell. my smile says that i am happy, that i am ok  well its a lie. in not ok and have not been since the beginning of summer. i cant remember truly laughing at anything without faking it. its like i get put down anytime and every time i try to show my feelings. no one seems to care enough to asks me how i am felling and if im alright. maybe then my smile would be the truth. maybe then i wouldn't be so messed up.

life

my life has really gone askew this year. during the summer i complained that my parents didn't give me any attention. all i wanted was for them to spend more time with me doing things i like, like going to car shows or car meets. instead of that the way there spending time with me is telling me what i cant have and how little money i have. my dad even said to me tonight; "i know we are not spending attention like you thought we would"... yea you guys are not. you think i want to listen to you guys for an hour telling me how im not making enough money, how i cant go get a door for my car, how im not making a lot of money like my older brother.  well im sorry that the economy went down the drain. its not my fault that jobs are hard to find and im sorry i cant fix it. so until i fix the economy, accept me for who i am and how im doing in life. accept the fact i want to go to a 4 year college instead of telling me how freaking expensive it is, accept the fact that i want to restore old cars instead of saying that it would be a bad career choice because no one is looking for older cars to drive.

stop putting me down. if you want to know why i get so "depressed" and angry all the time now, listen to what you say to me. then you will know.

I don't ask for thing to happen. They just happen.

***Rest easy Cody.

its all pretend

i pretend i act as though i never get hurt by anyone. People will ask if im ok when they know im not, but i put a smile on anyways and say that i am. i stuff the hurt and pain down inside. left there for a while until it explodes like a volcano. all of the pain in one big mess. i try to be strong through even the toughest of times, but im not always successful. im a human being just like everyone else. i get hurt just like everyone else, i just hurt more than the average person. i try surrounding myself with things that cheer me up, but it never last for long. one thing that would keep me happy, is sharing my life with someone. someone who i can comfortably do anything and go anywhere with.

sincerely
the lonely

:(

the fight never ends

the fight for freedom, justice, equality, peace,love.

it never ends does it?

Running Scared.

I ran.

I saw you there in his car at the stop sign.

I pulled up next to his car to talk to you.

You looked at me, recognized me and said "hey".

I said hi, he looked at me funny, i went the opposite direction as fast as i could.

I don't know what happened.

Maybe its because i haven't seen you in months.

Maybe its because he was there with you.

Maybe seeing you made me remember of everything we planned for the summer, then was thrown away.

Maybe i couldn't have said anything to you without sounding stupid.

Maybe i was scared of him.

Maybe.......

All i know is that i saw you, you smiled at me, then i was running as fast as i could to get away.

You meant a lot to me, then everything fell apart.

Maybe.