Im Not Ok

My smile is the biggest lie i tell. my smile says that i am happy, that i am ok  well its a lie. in not ok and have not been since the beginning of summer. i cant remember truly laughing at anything without faking it. its like i get put down anytime and every time i try to show my feelings. no one seems to care enough to asks me how i am felling and if im alright. maybe then my smile would be the truth. maybe then i wouldn't be so messed up.

life

my life has really gone askew this year. during the summer i complained that my parents didn't give me any attention. all i wanted was for them to spend more time with me doing things i like, like going to car shows or car meets. instead of that the way there spending time with me is telling me what i cant have and how little money i have. my dad even said to me tonight; "i know we are not spending attention like you thought we would"... yea you guys are not. you think i want to listen to you guys for an hour telling me how im not making enough money, how i cant go get a door for my car, how im not making a lot of money like my older brother.  well im sorry that the economy went down the drain. its not my fault that jobs are hard to find and im sorry i cant fix it. so until i fix the economy, accept me for who i am and how im doing in life. accept the fact i want to go to a 4 year college instead of telling me how freaking expensive it is, accept the fact that i want to restore old cars instead of saying that it would be a bad career choice because no one is looking for older cars to drive.

stop putting me down. if you want to know why i get so "depressed" and angry all the time now, listen to what you say to me. then you will know.

I don't ask for thing to happen. They just happen.

***Rest easy Cody.

its all pretend

i pretend i act as though i never get hurt by anyone. People will ask if im ok when they know im not, but i put a smile on anyways and say that i am. i stuff the hurt and pain down inside. left there for a while until it explodes like a volcano. all of the pain in one big mess. i try to be strong through even the toughest of times, but im not always successful. im a human being just like everyone else. i get hurt just like everyone else, i just hurt more than the average person. i try surrounding myself with things that cheer me up, but it never last for long. one thing that would keep me happy, is sharing my life with someone. someone who i can comfortably do anything and go anywhere with.

sincerely
the lonely

:(

the fight never ends

the fight for freedom, justice, equality, peace,love.

it never ends does it?

Running Scared.

I ran.

I saw you there in his car at the stop sign.

I pulled up next to his car to talk to you.

You looked at me, recognized me and said "hey".

I said hi, he looked at me funny, i went the opposite direction as fast as i could.

I don't know what happened.

Maybe its because i haven't seen you in months.

Maybe its because he was there with you.

Maybe seeing you made me remember of everything we planned for the summer, then was thrown away.

Maybe i couldn't have said anything to you without sounding stupid.

Maybe i was scared of him.

Maybe.......

All i know is that i saw you, you smiled at me, then i was running as fast as i could to get away.

You meant a lot to me, then everything fell apart.

Maybe.

I Am Me

I don't care what you think. I don't care if i'm not tall enough, I don't care if i'm not cool enough for you.

I don't care if my parents think i'm not good enough for anything.

they say i should be buff, smart, athletic, bigger taller ect.

I DON'T CARE! JUST LET ME BE ME!

so what if i'm not what you want, either move on or accept me for who i am.

What Happened?

Where did you go? What happened to you? Where is the you that was always excited to talk to me? The one who would play multiple words with friends with me while on Skype? Where is the girl that always made sure i played Sims social? Where is the you that left me multiple messages on my phone, I pod or chat when i would be gone for 5 minutes? Where is the girl that i use to know?

I miss talking to you and  Skyping with you, the texts and the few times we hung out. Your the first girl i have truly felt comfortable with, we were real close and now we are strangers. i don't know what i did or said, or if its because of the other guy, but what ever it is i wish it could all go back to the you i could always share a laugh with.

No matter what mood i was in you could always make me smile. I don't want to lose you.

Sincerely, someone who really cares about you.

Distant

No texts, no friends, no smile, no me. Just.....distance. Being distant from everything and everyone.
I feel like a nobody. I don't get any respect from family members, i'm looked at as a joke, my parents don't have confidence in me getting a job.

Apparently i'm different from who i was a few months ago. I guess i was funny, always smiled, always had a good aura around me.  Now i don't smile, i don't talk to anyone, i don't hang out with anyone, i'm depressed, no zest for life, the good in me is gone, for how long i don't know.

I've realized just how alone i am right now, how I've just been that kid that everyone uses for what they need, then gets thrown away like a piece of trash. Sure i can deal with the verbal abuses people give me, but its the physical abuse that is the hardest to take.

I keep all of my feelings to myself, i keep them out of sight, out of mind. Everyday they bottle up, and their ready to burst apart like a volcano. I don't know what to do with them, and i don't have anyone to trust them with.

When someone else has a problem, i can help them easily. I just don't know how to fix my problems.

to be honest i don't know what to say, well i guess ill just say whats on my mind,


why is it that i have to be alone? what did i do to have people hate me? why did God pick me to lead a life of loneliness and pain?

i cant go one day in school without kids abusing me in some way, i use to have someone to talk to, but now another guy has her attention, and i'm all alone again.

why is it that i cant get anyone to like me? i try to be nice to people, but every time i try to do something nice i get pushed aside, or if i say hi to someone, i usually get a, shut the **** up.

i have been told that the reason people pick on me is because they are jealous. why are they jealous? what do i have that they don't have? they have money, nicer cars or multiple cars, they have friends and jobs. i don't have anything.

i am all alone now. i don't have any friends, no one really cares about me.

to be honest i don't get why people say they care about me, and at the same time they say they hate me just because I'm me.  

i wish i could have a normal life

Hello

well its been a pretty good week. lots of sun and semi warm days.
finally got a new radio and speakers for my car.
been doing some biking again. its nice to get out and just ride around with no destination to go to.
learned that taking left hand turns at intersections in the city are suicidal.
not all Wendys workers are happy.
someone stalked me in a store, and my aunt and i couldnt stop laughing in the car about it.
FINALLY getting my strength back. i can now lift a tire up.
and my brother is drinking 20 year old coke.

hmm i kinda wonder if anyone still reads these. usually i go on blogger to read someone elses posts. she always has posts that are meaningful and entertaining. she also has something called a tumbler which i read every day to. all in all its just something that completes my day, reading something she wrote. this amazing blogger is Annebeaulieu95. 

what its like to be alone

i feel like im an outsider.

half the school hates me for no reason. the other half dosent know i exist.

i get pushed around physically just because people can do that to me.

people love to steal my keys and take my car for a joyride when im not paying attention.

i don't have any friends.

im just not cool enough to be invited to anyone's house for anything.

i get used for the dumbest reasons.

the only reason why people want me to go to the moves is because im the only one with a licenses.

my adoption is one thing everyone loves to twist around.

all in all i really dont like my life right now.

just another city boy

I'm not exactly at home here. not out in the middle of nowhere. at least not anymore.

i'm a city boy in a small town. nothing to do. nowhere to go.

i don't have many friends anymore. there is no one to help anymore.

middle school seemed like the only time i felt at home here. every day there was always someone i could help out. weather it was in school or out of school. i was really happy to be that kid that everyone looked to for help. no matter what was going on i was that one person that could make people feel better, or fix something or just brighten their day.

well now no one needs help anymore. at least not from me. kinda makes me feel useless. like i'm now living with an empty shell.

i just wish i could go back to living in the city. that way i can be in an environment where i'm at least able to help some people.

that and the fact i feel so lonely out here.

and that's what i am. just another city boy alone in the country.

farthest from your mind is the thought of falling back, in fact it isn't there at all. and so you dig your hole carefully and deep, and wait.

"Currahee" scrapbook of the 506 PIR

well i haven't written a blog in a while now. not much has gone on since the last blog.

winter ended, i got sick, went to hospital and now im slowly getting better. i ended up getting dehydrated and lost a good 20 pounds, couldn't walk or speak much. couldn't eat or drink anything for 4 days. yea not much fun at all.

on the plus side while ive been sitting in my bed, or rather dozing on and off, i figured out how to make a layered cake with pudding in the middle.

yea i know that sounds pretty stupid, but what else would a hungry person think of?

this is the first time i miss more than two days of school in a row, so far ive been sick for 8 days and im still recovering. at the hospital they said they were going to pump 3 bags of fluid into me to try and rehydrate me. while the 2nd bag was being pumped into me i ended up falling asleep and woke up to the nurse talking about how surprised she was to be putting 6 liters of fluid in me. hearing that put me back to sleep for another hour.

now im just happy to be able to get out of my bed and be able to walk a bit, i still cant walk straight but im working on it, haha i feel like a little kid just learning how to walk.

speaking of being a kid, my mom told me i had to wear my glasses for the computer. there like the harry potter ones, except with a design on them.

well im getting tiered again

bye

i just need some time to think.

World War II.







One of the biggest and significant wars in world history.



But also the worst.







Last night i was watching a series calle band of brothers.



Its about a division of paratroop soldiers called E company.



These men went through many terrible moments.



From being rained on by artillery, to watching close friends get hit in a foxhole, to finding their first jewish work camp, these men had to endure things we see only in the movies.

Imagine going through what they went through.

At least there were men that keept their humor even through the toughest of moments

Some of my favorite Quotes from these episodes are; [a tree has fallen on Babe's foxhole] Hey, Sarge, ya think I overdid it on the cover for my foxhole?

When you talk to an officer, you say "sir".

Hey Luz, can you do Major Horton?
[imitating Major Horton] Does a wild bear crap in the woods, son?


And of course the best vheicals and weapons of all time.
World war II is by far my most favorite subject of all time.

Its Your Life

Some people think they can control you.
They cant.

You decide whom to follow.
They dont.

They think there more important than you.
There not.

They can tell you what to do.
Its your choice whether or not you do what they say.

:(

you dont know what you have until you lose it. :(

my life

its my life.


i choose what i do and where i want to go.
i dont need you to tell me how to live my life.
you can give me advice, but you cant tell me what to do.
its my life and i need to lead it. not you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

recently ive started dating someone and it seems that everyone thinks that the only reason im dating this person is for sex. well im here to tell you that im not.
im not interested in underage sex. im not gunna be like all the other guys that are players.
everyone keeps saying that im gunna get hurt, that the only reason why this girl wants to date me is for sex. but at times like these you cant judge a book by its cover.
people keep telling me, "i warned you but you dont listen". well i dont take kindly to people ordering me around thinking that they can make descisions for me. the funny thing is, the people who keep telling me not to date anyone in high school, has had at least more than one relationship with someone. so why cant i? why is it that i cant go out with anyone or talk to certain people. just because you talk to someone for one day dosent mean you know their whole life. you need to make boundaries for yourself. dont let others make it for you as i have. thats not how life is always gunna be.

well i hope everyone is happy now.

no more

you are gone
faded away
dissapered, forever
one that i truly loved, lost
for reasons unknown you left
carrying with you a piece of me
i look at our past, our conversations and visits
we were stronger, closer
and now were nothing
no more than a memory, a past event
we are no more

old cars

i love old cars.
all the history in them.
their classy look.
thats what most cars today lack.
everything is cool about them.
anything from the 1900's to the 1960's i fall in love with.
well cant explain more so why dont you just look at these pics?


















oh and im also looking at some old cars for my second car. hopefully by the summer ill have it. and it will be a convertable. and it may make its way to the Beaulieu's. who knows.

life is an adventure

life is an adventure
you dont know where you start or where youll end up.
you just take a deep breath and take a step forwards.
you dont know who your gunna meet.
who knows what turns you take in life.
all you know is that your moving forwards.
some slower than others,
but only because they see something that chatches their eye.
in the end we all reach our destination.
it will be different for all of us.
which is what makes each and every one of us unique.

The Rise

I feel that my world is crumbling.
I dont have any control anymore.
Im being pushed aside, unwanted, forgotten.
I feel like a stranger amongst family and friends.

I try to help, but i get shunned away.
Im not violent so i dont fight back.

Im told not to take chances or risks.
But isnt that what life is about?
I take pride in not giving up.
I only admit defeat when i cant go any further.

You may be able to bring me down now.
But wait and see.
Ill soon be towering over you.
You wont be able to hurt me then.

You can bully me to worlds end.
Try and take me down.
But i know your techniques.
Your plans.

Now i laugh.
At your comments and jokes.
Because im ahead of you.
And your behind.

Your teasing and bullying is a big joke now.
I have grown stronger and smarter.
What you say goes over my head.
Say something worthwile to get my attention.


You arnt a bother to me anymore.
Whatever mean things you say wont hurt me.
The scars have healed.
Its a new day.
Your days of ruling are over.
Im taking back my world.

2012

well its 2012,

school starts with new lockers, tired kids and everyone dresed in new clothes.
school is halfway over, the exams are drawing closer. everyones getting older.

another year, another list of stuff to do.

maybe this year we can focus on helping out less fortunate people. give insted of take. lets lend a healping hand insted of turning a cold shoulder to those in need.


lets make 2012 worthwile.